my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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