i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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