This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
