dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
