I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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