guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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