hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
