Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
