dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
