Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
