May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize