If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
