i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
