Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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