Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
