I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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