I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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