the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
