Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
