So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
