I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
