found the other keg... it's in the tree
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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