I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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