I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
