FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
