I wish I could teleport
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
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