people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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