I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
