he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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