I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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