we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
