We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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