i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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