I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
