I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
