There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
