New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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