look no pants
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
