I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
