My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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