i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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