I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
