cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
