If i come over, it means nothing
I wish my penis had an off switch
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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