4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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