if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
