thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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