Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
