Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
