True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
