you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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