Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
