Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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