Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
