I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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