i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
