i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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