Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
