My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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