carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize