also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
