Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just invented taco cereal.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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