Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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