he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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