end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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