I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
