Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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