After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
